My Best of 2008 (AKA the Bestie Awards)

Well here we are again, another year down the krapper....with the onslaught of "Best of" lists popping up everywhere I thought I would share with you my bests/favorites of 2008. Disclaimer: even though the items on this list may have existed previous to 2008, I became aware of them this year and therefore count on said list. Dem's the rules.

8. Best Snack: Kars Sweet N' Salty Mix. It's like crack to me....

7. Best Group Activity: Youtubing. This is a major guilty pleasure of mine. Only god knows how many hours were wasted scouring the Internet for old forgotten techno songs from the 90's or grown men crying, but I must say it was worth it. Here's hoping for more productive activities in 2009.

6.Best Movie Trailer: The Wrestler. Can't wait to see it.

5. Best Dramatic TV Show: True Blood. Even though I'm not up there with all of the fat teenage goths that live for this kind of shit, I have to admit it's a good show.

4. Best Comedic TV Show: Summer Heights High The extremely talented Chris Lilley has done a very successful job of ripping off "Strangers with Candy" and adding a bit of "Waiting for Guffman" in for shits and giggles. Very funny show. Watch the first three episodes and you'll be hooked.

3. .Best Bottom Shelf Liquor: Castillo Silver. (I may have a problem.)

2. Best Band: MGMT. I usually hate the shit that the kids call music these days but I wholeheartedly approve of these drugged out, hippie synth-freaks. "Time to Pretend" is a great song.

1. Best Death: The Bush Administration See ya Georgie!

Eight Great (& Fabulous) Gay Icons

For some unknown reason, since an early age I've felt like a middle aged gay man trapped in a straight girls body. Maybe it has something to do with feeling like an outsider growing up (I know I'm not the only one.) Over the years I've tended to gravitate towards gay entertainers and artists. They're pretty to look at and never bore you on talk shows babbling away about their stupid kids (Rosie O'Donnell is an exception). Here are eight people I would love to invite to a dinner party:

8. John Waters and Divine -Every nerdy, socially awkward high school kid needs to rent "Pink Flamingos". It may be hard to watch at times, but it opened my young mind up to things other than white, middle class suburbia.

7. Marc Jacobs -If I were like a cigarette, (thin, rich and full of flavor) I would wear Marc Jacobs clothing 24-7. I'm none of those things unfortunately so I just have to settle for his perfume. The man has Spongebob and Homer Simpson tattoos!

6. Frida Kahlo -A brilliant Mexican artist.

5. Andy Warhol -I love silk screen prints of ordinary objects and dead people.

4. Liberace -Liberace paid to have his young lover undergo massive plastic surgery to reconstruct his face to look like himself as a young man. He was also very nice to my Grandma J. and signed an album for her at Mt. Holly in the 70's.

3. Jackie Beat -The most talented drag queen that ever lived...you won't be sorry if you read his/her blog. It's addictive.

2. Joan Jett -A timeless classic. Metal up your ass.

1. Richard Simmons -I try to never miss when the closeted fitness guru is on Letterman. Case in point:

Faux-tog

I like taking pictures....I don't consider myself all that great at it but it's a fun hobby. It's better than throwing sticks at cars.

8. Feeding time at the Detroit Zoo.




7. I love robots.



6. Bugs.



5. Apples.



4. Christmas tree #1



3. Christmas tree #2


2. Glasses



1. I really love robots.

Eight things I dislike about Thanksgiving.

8. Tryptophan -An amino acid that makes you sleepy and irritable that results in a shouting match with one of your siblings after dinner.

7. The Detroit Lions -An NFL team that never ceases to disappoint their legions of loyal fans. Their Thanksgiving Day game is never missed in our family. By the time the traditional three legged turkey is shared at half time there's no question how embarrassing the game will end for them. Prove me wrong this year Lions.

6. "Family" -The countless step-siblings I have to make small talk with. They're all very nice people but I only see them twice a year. I don't have children and I'm not married therefore we have next to nothing to talk about.

5. The Fatty Factor -I feel even more disgusted with my body on this day more than others. Full belly and what not.

4. Children -This might fall in with the "family" category but I'm going to give this subject it's own spotlight. Once again, I'm not a Mother and I'm hardly ever around children....it's not that I don't like kids but an entire afternoon with 5 or 6 little people under the age of ten can take it's toll on me. I'll be getting acquainted with a bottle of vodka around eight or so...join me?

3. Impending Doom of Christmas -I work at a store at the largest mall in the state. A long, arduous day of work on Friday is always looming in the back of my head which prevents me from fully enjoying the holiday. (boo-hoo)

2. Broken home -Being a child of the 80's I, like many kids from that era are a product of divorced parents. This means I have to spend Thanksgiving with one side of the family. Don't even get me started on Christmas! (boo-hoo-hoo)

1. Cranberry Sauce -There's always never enough to go around.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! :)

Eight Great Guilty Pleasures.

As I look around my apartment I can't help but be amazed at the amount of "guilty pleasure" items that I have on my bookshelves, in my DVD player and on my television. Luckily no self respecting person with good taste has ever been in my apartment to bear witness to this smorgasbord of tackiness. Self respecting people with good taste aren't the type I would invite over anyway. They don't drink and they never leave when you want them too.

Here are some of my favorite awesome/embarrassing things I waste time with:

8. "The Dirt" by Motley Crue -An oral history of one of the most misogynistic, drug addled bands of the 1980's. The band sucks but this book does not. And I quote: "Open it anywhere and find a story to remember." -The New York Times I heard they were making a feature length film out of it. Let's hope Mick Mars doesn't play himself.

7. "Eric the Midget" -I recently became a Howard Stern listener and whenever I'm in my car and Eric calls in I have to stop what I'm doing and sit and listen until they hang up on him. If you're a fan you know what I mean.

6. "Full House" -It reruns four times a day on ABC Family. It's like a car accident, I can't help but take a look. Oh Uncle Jesse, why won't you be my husband?

5. "Showgirls" -I recently became the proud DVD owner of this 1995 piece of shit movie that stars Jesse from "Saved by the Bell" and her various body parts. All of the NC-17 stuff aside this movie is great to watch for two reasons: 1) The horrendous dialogue. 2) The horrific acting. If watching really bad movies makes you feel better about yourself (like me) "Showgirls" is the all time best. It's also great to watch with a group of friends so you can take turns making fun of it.

4. "Roadhouse" -The "Citzen Kane" of over the top action movies. Co-starring Patrick Swayze's mullett.

3. Wings Greatest Hits -Fall into an audio sugar coma with Paul McCartney's solo project. Just remember, he went from "Abbey Road" to "Silly Love Songs". Silly indeed Paul McCartney. Silly indeed.

2. "Paula Abdul's Get up and Dance" -I own it on VHS. Watch Paula sweat her little Lakers Girls off in neon spandex.


1.
"Little Girl Lost" by Drew Barrymore -Drew does a lot of drugs, dates Corey Haim and gets into many fights with her Mom. The end

Eight things I know about Wisconsin.

I logged in tonight and was pleasantly surprised by the increase in minions I've had over the past forty eight hours. A grand total of five! I then checked your profiles and saw a common factor among all of you....you all live in Wisconsin. A state that I know little about and have never visited. In an attempt to charm you and win you over even further (if it's possible) I dedicate this list to our 30th state and to the trivial krap I know about it.

8. Cheese -You make a lot of it. You can melt it on stuff and it tastes better as a result. It's a beautiful thing. With all of the cheese that is produced and consumed in Wisconsin I hope you have good plumbing. Yeah, I went there.

7. Brett Favre -You worship him as some sort of God. Or at least you did until he went to the Jets. For a guy that was born in Mississippi, you give him way too much credit in my opinion. At least Green Bay is having a good season so far.

6. Beer -Thanks!

5. The accent -The one Wisconsinite I talk to on a regular basis has a distinct way of pronouncing certain words. For instance I say: "WISS-CON-SIN". He says: "WIZZ-GON-ZIN". There's a difference.

4. "Laverne and Shirley" -Great sitcom and I remember thinking Lenny of "Lenny and Squiggy" was kind of cute.

3. Wisconsin Dells -The only thing I know or have heard about this place is that old people like to vacation there.

2. Houdini -He was brought up in Appleton, WI but died as a result of an injury sustained in Detroit (my turf). Thanks for bridging the gap Houdini...you make me feel closer to the people that read this shitty blog.

1. This place -The Don Q Inn in picturesque Dodgeville, WI. I implore you to visit this website. You won't be sorry. Then tell me what room you would pick for your romantic getaway.

Eight things I never had the guts to do (and probably never will)

8. Get into a fistfight with someone that truly deserves to be beaten mercilessly. I of course would emerge from said fistfight unscathed and heroic. For some strange reason I've always pictured the fight taking place to "El Condor Pasa" by Simon and Garfunkel, I have no idea why.

7. Get in my car and drive to a far away place by myself. I would sleep out under the stars n' shit.

6. Learn how to play the drums so well that the greatest Led Zeppelin cover band in the world would pay me large sums of money to be their female John Bonham.

5. Live in New York City and go to open mics while trying to survive on a shitty retail or food industry job.

4. Fly. (I know I'm a pus*y)

3. Go back in time and kill a famous person who has done nothing but evil. (It's a toss up between Hitler and Paris Hilton.)

2. Scale the empire state building in a spider man costume like that one guy did that one time.

1. Become a renowned graffiti artist.

Eight Great things about the Eighties...

It's late and to be honest I'm not in top form due to a yearly sinus infection. But duty calls and I must impress "Dad". I know you understand loyal readers...therefore forgive me if I don't give you the "LOL's."

Feeling nostalgic once again, (pathetic yes?) I've decided to dedicate this post to our favorite decade of decades the nineteen hundred and eighties.....

8. Synthesisers- Every great pop song from your childhood involves one. Case in point:

7. Thriller- Michael Jackson was the coolest man's man in the world.

6. Nintendo- Everybody in the neighborhood had one except me. Therefore I used my fourth grade growth spurt to my advantage and beat the living krap out of any kid who denied me time in their living room blissfully stomping mushrooms and saving princesses.

5. 80's Kitsch- Reaganomics, the Challenger tragedy, the cold war and AIDS, it's all fun to reminisce at this "simpler" and "more innocent" time in history isn't it?

4. Miley Cyrus hadn't been born yet.

3. U2 was still relevant and not hanging out with underage girls on yachts in the Caribbean.

2. If you're a girl Jem dolls and My Little Ponies. If you're a boy, G.I. Joe and WWF Superstars.

1. You were younger and didn't have to deal with adult responsibilites....

Eight Things I find hilarious on youtube

I've spent the greater portion of my life watching too much television but with great advances in technology and the fact that I now can afford a cable modem, I spend too much time watching youtube. Enjoy these eight fantastic gems.

8. "Endless Caruso one liners"
These are all intro scenes from "CSI: Miami" a show that I've never seen in my life or care to. I just love David Caruso's acting and how he has to put his sunglasses on in the beginning of nearly every episode. I have a feeling this piece of shit show is right up there "Walker Texas Ranger".


7."My Name is Potato"
More cute than funny but it makes up for hilarity in it's highly addictive musical refrain.


6. "Crazy Indian Video....Buffalaxed!"
I imagine this being filmed in 1991.


5."Injured"
I want to give this kid a hug.


4. "Jim Gillette hits an insane scream!"
Along with his insane scream Jim Gillette also has an insane bulge.


3. "Wilford Brimley's Diabetes Dance Mix"
I think I cried tears of joy the first time I saw this.


2. "Liz Taylor"
The beauty and sophisticated grace of Dame Elizabeth Taylor will never be surpassed.


1. "Warrior Remix (by DJ Frankie Sanchez)
Words cannot express my gratitude Frankie Sanchez. Thank you for this timeless work of art.

Eight things you'd find in your medicine cabinet/bathroom as a kid.

Nostalgia abounds!

1. Mr. Bubble lasted until Mr. Prune Fingers showed up.

2. Another fabulous pink concoction. The squeeze dosage feature was always a favorite of mine.

3. Snotty nose? No problem. Ear wax bulidup? A thing of the past. Thanks to blue rubber bulby thing.....

4. That fake grape flavor makes the icky feeling go away.

5. This pre-historic family has had the children's vitamin market cornered for decades. Theres a rumor going around that the overwhelming success of the Flinstones has forced The Jetsons into carnival work.

6. I had the ones with the "Muppet Babies" on them.

7. "It'll hurt if I swallow. It'll hurt if I swallow. It'll hurt if I......."

8. "Pour it in your eyes and see what happens."

This post was brought to you by the number "8".

This blog is an homage to three things. The number eight (my lucky number), lists and cool shit. Here I combine these three things into a microcosm of pure ecstasy. Let's begin now.

Inaugural List

1. "Eight is Enough"- Obvious I know. But anything involving Dick Van Patton deserves to be mentioned here.

2. Eight Arms to Hold You- The original working title of the Beatles 1965 album/movie "Help!". Veruca Salt ripped this title off the Beatles in the 90's.

3. The year 1984- Mary Lou Retton went on to become the cutest little girl to sell batteries and breakfast cereal as a result of the summer Los Angeles games. Van Halen released a kick ass album. And more importantly the Detroit Tigers won the World Series. I hope to smell the celebratory fires once again.

4. The Crazy 88's- If you're ever in a bind and need a cool Halloween costume fast, take my advice and go as one of the foot soldiers from "Kill Bill: Vol. One". Sexy black masks are always a good thing.

5. The Octopus- It's slimy, purple and looks mighty strange lying dead on the ice of the Joe Louis Arena.

6. "Eighteen" by Alice Cooper- "Lines form on my face and hands..." Alice Cooper's lament about premature aging makes for a great classic rock song. He also gets bonus points for being from Detroit.

7. Vishnu- A toddler born with eight limbs and believed to be the reincarnation of the Hindu goddess underwent surgery to remove her extra useless appendages this year. Here's what her skeleton looks like: http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/11_01/8LimbXrayBARC_700x797.jpg

8. 2008- The first presidential election in which the candidate I voted for actually won. I like it when my guy wins.