8. If you're an overweight, mid-western housewife that has a penchant for unwashed hair and wearing nothing but looney toon t-shirts, no one is going to believe that that's a real Louis Vuitton handbag you're carrying. The knock off handbag trend can end any second now...it's just getting embarrassing.
7. I need a bumper sticker that reads "I spent seven months in a hotel room in Detroit and all I got was this lousy honk cough"....If you're a person who likes to smoke in close proximity to other people in enclosed areas you deserve to be castrated.
6. Let's face it, I'm a white girl with a fat ass. If you happen to be a gentleman of African American decent please don't make it BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that you are staring at my ghetto onion. It makes me uncomfortable and I think it's gross. (Not my ass, your behavior.)
5. To the middle aged woman with glasses that works at Kohl's on Baldwin Rd. in Auburn Hills: I could give a shit less that you're also considering moving to South Carolina because it's one of the last "conservative and christian" states in the country. I know that you think I'm one of your own due to my white skin and modest dress but I assure you that I'm a liberal heathen to my very core.
4. Just because the label on the wine bottle is cool looking doesn't mean it's going to taste all that great.
3. I want everyone who's reading this at the moment to know that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. Whatever it is will work itself out and who knows? Maybe you'll be a better person as a result.
2. I made the mistake of telling co-workers that I dabble in stand-up comedy. Now whenever one of them in particular says something funny she says something to the effect of: "You should use that in your act". No.
1. This actually turns me on:
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4 comments:
Oh my God! That wine bottle thing? So true. I once bought a six-pack of beer because it had a map on the label and it was so bad I actually used the dirty water from the street sweeper to rinse my mouth off because it tasted better.
It was a very kick ass label with a cowboy on it. That in itself was worth the $11.99 I shelled out (I know I'm cheap). I'm keeping the bottle as a reminder to stick to 3 buck Chuck.
At my old PROFESSIONAL office, people used to interpret business casual as a Looney Toons tee under some jean overalls. Therefore I disregarded the "no flip flops" rule. Every day. (Well - in summer.)
Flip flops are nothing in comparison to to a tweety bird tee. I just don't get it...
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